Awake but in limbo? Don't panic!
Why You Have NO MOTIVATION After Spiritual Awakening - Carl Jung Explains
Having watched the above (highly recommended), I am in total agreement with its message. I could relate to the ‘lost in space’ feeling of ego death after peeling away the layers of my metaphysical onion over the years, and boy did they make me cry. I would like to throw in my pennithworth, actually make that a couple of quid and I’ll tell you why the Awakening process isn’t all love ‘n light.
Firstly, I was raised a Jehovah's Witness from the age of 10 to 32, when I escaped. It's all push, push, push with them. You're never doing enough preaching or studying or attending meetings. Then something happened that turned my world upside down. I married, moved to Switzerland and had a child early on. I was no longer able to go out knocking on doors 90 hours a month! I credit my daughter with being part of my awakening. I felt then, that my ego got stripped back. I had to lose the identity of full time minister and become a housewife and mother. Who was I now? What would I do?
After a couple of years of Stepford Wife-like behaviour, I went for Bioenergetic therapy for two years and it happened again. Another ego death. I realised I couldn't continue with the religion now and the marriage fell apart too. I had found a new view of myself! The robot head switch had fused and I was no longer an automaton, remember that scene above? Fun wasn’t it.
I had to start from scratch and build a whole new way of life back in England as my parents, family and friends who were still JWs, shunned me. I knew this would happen and luckily I hit the ground running and didn't encounter the dark night of the soul at that point. I was far too busy building a new career and having some much needed fun in London.
Many years later, when I was still a bit in victim mode and telling anyone who would listen about my suppressed upbringing, I was persuaded to tell the JW cult story. My friends thought I should write a book, they found it an interesting story they said. So, encouraged by that, I began to write. That's when the dark night of the soul really caught up with me. I fell hard into depression and got writers block for 7 years. I didn’t sing, I didn’t write. I was though, developing my own brand of spirituality parallel to these experiences. I took solace in that. My ego wasn't giving up though and I re-doubled my efforts to 'be someone' at work, NBCUniversal, taking on projects over and above my job role, such as volunteering and organising big events for eco projects and the homeless. Eventually after 7 years of that, my body started to tell me I couldn't go on like that. I had loved the frenetic life in London, for sixteen years, and all of a sudden, I didn't.
I quite my job at Universal Pictures, said goodbye to the Minions and escaped to the countryside city of Norwich, 12 years ago. Then the menopause hit me like a brick. Another mask had to come off. Time slowed down, I started to notice intriguing little things and once I had the mental space, the clues about my medieval past lives started to surface. I felt like a detective on the trail and immersed myself in research and the discovery of mysteries I was slowly becoming aware of. During that process I had an another awakening. They seemed cyclical, and I realised that the parental shunning I was experiencing, was connected to one my past lives! That was an enormous release. My ego stepped back a bit as it wasn't being blamed for everything that had happened in this timeline. Instead, I was fine blaming it on another existence.
Now I could allow my higher self to take over the reigns, little by little. I was a stranger to her at first, but gradually I trusted her more to lead me down the breadcrumb trail, discovering new keys and clues to openings I could explore. I began to be disinterested in work, which if you watched the video above, is part of the awakening process. I drew my London pension out and used it to travel to exotic far off lands such as Egypt, South Africa, Mexico and Costa Rica, where I had further awakenings to process. Finally I had the time and space to just be, and be comfortable, with me.
When I eventually returned to England, I didn't fit in any more. My goals had changed, I wanted quality of life. I was thwarted from returning to Costa Rica to help set up an ayahuasca retreat, because of Covid. No more travel. Another dream melted away, now what? I couldn't go back to being an office slave. I took my Reiki Master, I learnt about building Earthship eco homes and I brought a small group of women together to do intense spiritual release and healing work, with the aim of become a mentor of some kind.
Instead, out of left field, I met an out of work professional rock musician and we wrote a whole album together over the summer of the lockdown. I came to life as someone completely new, yet again! Who was this woman, with fierce ideas and strident sounds? I hardly knew myself, but I loved it! Like all good things, this awakening came at a price. My band mate unknowingly triggered old wounds that I didn't even know I had! But he also shone a light onto the darkness of my confusion about certain things in my childhood. Everything started to make sense. Huge realisations about my own natural instincts and how I had been taught to ignore them by the cult, bubbled to the surface. I felt I had met him for a reason and it wasn’t just the music, we also had past life stuff to remember and release.
Everything started to make sense and finally, I was able to let go, forgive, accept and explore the meaning of unconditional love towards my family. The following year I got fibromyalgia. Now I was up close and personal with my ego. I no longer had the energy to push myself out there, to sing and perform as I had so deeply wanted to. My ego was forced to acquiesce. Bed rest and self-care were by necessity, not choice. I had to be ok with having no goals, no plans, no travel, no work, very little socialising. Who was I? Why was this happening to me, just as I got a glimpse of what I could be? (said my ego). Another test of fire, I had to start all over again, with a different me. Another layer of the onion peeled off, I stared into the void. I wasn't depressed. I had done the dark night of the soul thing before, and this wasn't it. It was The Limbo. The In-between. The Twilight Zone.
I started slowly to amuse myself by cracking the Matrix, with my past life discoveries. I immersed myself in code-breaking numerology, noticing more and more synchronicities, patterns, manifesting things. I began to see repeating numbers and the magic in life again. Puzzles I could take some pleasure in, when I solved them, all from the comfort of my sick bed.
I followed my nose and grew into a more temperate person. I made huge allowances for myself and therefore for others. I began to lose judgement, I lost my drive, but I found my soul, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I had a new mission - to decode the simulation and our programmed existence. I had left a mind-controlling cult before and this time around I could spot the brain-washing from Gov and society during the lockdowns, straight away. I wasn't a sheeple because I had done this before, escaped the system, found my freedom and that came to be the most precious thing I had. More peace, more acceptance. Less bothered. When you have chronic fatigue they tell you to pace. Pacing, pacing, pacing, not easy for a Sagi, who wants to gallop. Bloody hard actually.
I call Fibro my teacher. Previously, I was always striving, had to have a plan, be organised, do too much, give out to others, leave myself to last. When I got ill, it was game over for my ego. I pushed back on others' needs because I only had the energy to help myself. That gave me the time and space to take more notice of what is going on around me, especially in nature. It lifted my soul to be in the forest or by the lake but taking is slowly, as that is all I could do. Sometimes I would just sit with my feet in the water, watching the dragonflies. I have learnt tons about myself and those around me during the last four years, things that I wouldn't have had time to observe, join the dots, to figure things out. I was constantly tired, but increasingly wiser.
I am truly grateful now for being in limbo from my old life. I published two books since 2019 which had both taken me many years to write and that's ok. The lockdown gave me time to release the second one about past lives and put all those hours of research to good use. I was passionate about my discoveries, keen to get something going to earn money, and then suddenly, the passion ran out. I was still writing a regular newsletter here on Substack, which I stuck to for the last two years, but the drive to find clients and figure things out for them just petered out. From watching the video above, it all made sense.
I started to see the even bigger picture of why we are all here and the battle going on above us, as it is below. Now, we’ve just heard that Voyager 1 sent up in 1977 was intercepted by alien AI and sent a message back to NASA via the quantum chip called Sycamore, which has turned some of the scientists that watched it, loopy. They had to shut it down in a hurry. This quantum stuff is way more important than the price of bread. I expanded my view on life and the Universe got weird. Watch here
Nothing material seems to matter any more. At any given moment it could all collapse. So, back to holding space for myself and those I drew towards me who were on the same awakening path. We knew. That was good enough for me. No more striving, proving myself, setting unrealistic goals. Was it the death of the ego, or just the taming of the shrew? At any rate it doesn't yank me around on a chain any more and I'm happy with that. I'm more than happy with who we humans all truly are. Bright sparks in the Universe, none better or worse than another. Beings of light, whether we see it or not. We are learning. Deepening our perception of reality. We are coming home.
My books, music, Substack newsletter and contact details are here: Linktree
Isisi Allthings aka The Past Life Detective